Story of Boris

BORIS: I am not sitting in that chair. I don't know what is meant to happen here, but I am not sitting in that place. Not with my back to the door!

PSYCHIATRIST:I want to begin by filling in this checklist. It's a trauma checklist. We'll go through it together and then I'd like you to fill it in by yourself.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: On the first page there are questions about the past, about what happened. On the other pages there are questions about the trauma symptoms. Have a good look through them.

BORIS: Feeling guilty, feeling as though the traumatic experiences are happening again. Recurrent nightmares. Being ashamed, yes, yes. All of that. Yes.

[cut]

BORIS: Actually, there's a great chance that they'll be sending me back, so there really is no need to begin all this. It will mean my death, if I go back. No, seriously. I should have been dead already. But I'm a bad person, so that's why I'm still alive. The good always die first.

PSYCHIATRIST: Why do you think you're a bad person, Boris?

BORIS: That's why I'm here, isn't it? That's what you're going to find out. Aren't you? What I did and why and what I should have done. But I can't do that. Because then I'll have to tell the whole story all over again, and you shouldn't ask me to do that. I just want to sleep. So very very much. I'm always, awake. And I'm so incredibly tired. I'm nothing any more, I'm not a person, I'm not a fighter, not a son, nor a brother, I'm just deep down tired.

PSYCHIATRIST: Why do you sleep so badly, Boris? Is it that you can't get to sleep or do you wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep?

BORIS: No, I have nightmares. During the day as well. I hear them. They talk to me constantly. My father and the others. They don't like me to stay here in the West. And that's why they talk to me. Boris do this; Boris, you mustn't do that; Boris, what are you waiting for? I can't stop them. I've done bad things and they know that.

PSYCHIATRIST: Those voices, do you hear them inside your head or outside, in the room or from outdoors?

BORIS: No, no, In my head.

PSYCHIATRIST: Do you want to continue?

BORIS: I have to keep thinking ahead. I have to stay ahead of them. A step ahead. Collect all possible information. Never do anything without any information, then you have a chance. You have to know which way the escape route is, that's the most important thing, because. When they come you only have fifteen seconds to get away. No more.

[cut]

BORIS: It isn't safe for me here either. I don't have a residence permit yet, I'm in the middle of the procedure. You people you haven't got the slightest idea. Look now at the people of the IND. They think they're clever, they think they know everything, they think they know what it's like, what war is like. And they invent a new question to catch you out. Since I've been here I've at least told my whole story three times. The first time I didn't even realised that I was in this country.

[cut]

BORIS: You people you haven't got the slightest idea.
And here. The first thing you're allowed to do is to get undressed. They look down your throat and up your bottom. Are you who you say you are? They keep nagging at me. You can put ten or a hundred stamps on all the forms, make prints of all my fingers, and computerscans or what have you not, but you still don't know who I am. Turn me inside out. Then you will see something.

BORIS: Well I still sleep very badly. I don't eat well either. If I eat too much I get nauseous. And I've got diarrhoea. Actually, I'm not hungry at all. I'm thirsty though, constantly, all day long. And at night! I have to get up, you know every night I get up at least three times for a drink of water. But then those voices they wake me up. Well you call them voices, but they sit right beside my bed. I always lock the door, but then they start rattling the handle and banging on the door. Harder and harder, until I wake up.

Last night the commander was there. He showed me his left leg, it had been recently amputated just above the knee. And he showed me the new bandages. They were all clean and white. The wound didn't stink any more. So, he was very friendly, because he was feeling good. The medical service of the refugee centre had looked after him very well. They even gave him painkillers too. So I felt good that he was feeling good too. And the commander said that he didn't expect that I could look after myself so well. He said, oh you sleep fully dressed. You look wonderful! And you know. You are always ready for action. That's good! We've missed you, because. We've had to do without you for such a long time, and you know all that dirty work and stuff...

PSYCHIATRIST: Who is the commander Boris? How do you know him?

BORIS: I don't want to talk about the commander. It's best if I don't. I don't know anyone. That's the best thing.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: Now Boris, who is the commander? How long do you know him?

BORIS: I've told you before I do not want to talk about him! And anyway I thought I was allowed to say wether to talk about something or not. So, what's all this then? All this nagging the whole time! And by the way who's watching all this? I can see the red lamp on that camera flashing constantly. Are you ordered to ask all these questions to me? Who's behind all this? Who's watching this?

Or am I perhaps a monkey in a cage. Should I perform some tricks to make it more interesting? Should I bang with my head on the table? Or put shit all over the walls?/p>

BORIS: You want me to answer all these questions. But I already told you everything: at the IND, at the intake, at the hospital. Everyone wants to hear the whole story all over again, because yet another form has to be filled in.

[cut]

BORIS: Actually, it's not going so well in this country either. I mean, despite all your discipline and your regulations. You know perfectly well, even in the supermarket when you go and you look, you can find a jar of marmelade tucked between the packets of crisps. And all that litter along the motorway, I mean. Who takes care of that? Who thinks about that. All the plastic bags, piles of paper, and plastic cups. All the useless rubbish! You can't leave it lying in the gutter, not in this country. But who does anything about it, that enormous mountain of garbage?

And it really gets out of control if you can't take all that stuff back. The beds and the mattresses, the tables, pots and pans, tea services, antique clocks.

[cut]

You find stuff everywhere, all over the country. Just left behind. In the middle of the roads, in the middle of the woods, in the hills. You suddenly see a chair or a broken chest or something.

I found a mirror once, a big bedroom mirror with a wooden frame. Our unit had been on the road for several days. There it was, in the hills where our positions were. Leaning against a tree. It looked as if somebody had just put it there and was coming back for it later. The strange thing was that a nightdress, a nightdress was hanging over it. I myself I hadn't looked in a mirror for weeks. So, suddenly there I was, with the gun over my shoulder. Wearing a black cap. As if I was standing in a strange woman's bedroom.

And there was blood on my face.

PSYCHIATRIST: Why were you there Boris, what had happened?

BORIS: Well I had to fight, hadn't I!

PSYCHIATRIST: Who told you to fight?

BORIS: Not at first, I was still a driver then, but. My brother and I were called up together. Look, it all says in my file. I have allready said everything. I haven't lied about anything. It says it all that, doesn't it!

PSYCHIATRIST: You don't have to re-tell everything that you've told the IND, but only what you yourself think is important.

BORIS: What I think is important. But I'm an asylum seeker, I am a refugee. What's to be said then? I have been fighting. And my father is dead, and my brother is dead. I'm a traitor. That's the most important thing.

[cut]

BORIS: War is mostly about being frightened, every day. Each day it can be your last.

Even the stray cats they huddled together in a big group from fear. When do you ever see cats together in a group? They usually fight each other off. But now they were in a big pack, and they went from house to house, searching for food.

[cut]

BORIS: I was a student when the war started, at the faculty for Modern Languages. And at first nobody thought that there was going to be a war, because. Well it couldn't happen to us. But then when more and more foreign journalists came into town, everybody felt that something was going to happen. And it is funny though because as long as there are journalists around you don't think that they are going to bomb you, because who is going to bomb you when there are journalists around to see and the whole world can know about it? So I kept on going to lectures. Until one day that the university and the hospital and the city hall were all bombed, at the same time.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: Your family, you all survived it, didn't you?

BORIS: Yes, we all survived that, my family survived that. But what does it matter?! After that my father died and then my brother died. My father, he was taken ill at the wrong moment. I should have gotten him medication but I couldn't because of the UN embargo. And I should have stopped my brother. He was killed in a fighting unit. Well, after that I fled, first to the encampment and later in the truck. I came here in a truck. I wasn't ill then. That came after I got here.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: How long was there between the bombings and when you fled? Are there any episodes we haven't talked about yet?

BORIS: Why do you say that? They said the same thing at the IND. 'Are there still things that are important for the procedure that we haven't covered yet?'

You know, if I could just get enough of those pills, then. Well, it would all go much better automatically.

BORIS: My father, outside in the garden. I can still remember it. On a chair in the snow. And only wearing his pyjamas. He had a big bowl of snow on his lap. He was eating little bits of it, as if carefully tasting it. He let the snow melt on his tongue and he swallowed the water with difficulty. He was sitting there, with bare feet, in the snow, and little drops of sweat on his forehead. I can remember that really well. It was quiet outside at last. And that was pleasant and the sun was shining. Because of the warmth you felt like it almost was spring. My father said that he felt good. He was only a little bit thirsty. Two days later he was dead.

For the rest, I want to forget it. It is all terrible. Such sadness. Nobody wants to hear such stories. Not even me.

PSYCHIATRIST: I'd like to hear them very much, Boris. I find it very moving the way you talk about your father.

PSYCHIATRIST: Boris, tell me what you're thinking. I have to know the details in order to help you.

[cut]

BORIS: It is twilight, the sun is still shining inside in one place. The room is dark in the back, it is a long room, the windows are high. There's a large rug on the floor. This is our house.

We all stand together in a half circle. I stand next to my mother. On the other side of her are my brother and my sister. We all have our coats on because it is cold, you can see our breath rising like plumes in the air. And my uncle is also there, he's blowing into his fists. No one says anything. Next to our half circle is a pile of mud against the wall. And we all look down, into the hole in the floor. That's where my father is lying. We tried to dig the hole as straight as possible. It's possibly a meter deep. He's lying on a bit of coconut mat. We didn't have a coffin. So we dressed him neatly in a dark blue suit and a tie and his best shoes. And then my mother calls out his name and his date of birth. And now we have to fill the hole.

And then my younger brother suddenly runs away, into the garden. He's screaming and shouting which is highly dangerous because there are snipers everywhere. Somebody should bring him back. My mother throws the first bit of mud into the hole. I take the shovel, the mud thuds onto my father's clothes. I don't want it to go into his face. So I start at the feet. A big shovelful falls onto his folded hands. His right arm slides away, pulling at the jacket. Now the mud goes between the jacket and the white shirt. And now my brother is helping me too. Another two shovelfuls and my father's neck disappears. A lump of mud gets stuck in his eye socket. His face is almost covered now. One more big shovelful. And then he's gone.

BORIS: Because the flashes don't come simultaneously with the sound, you think you won't get hit anyway. Sometimes you only hear the impact of the bullets. You see a flash and then shortly after you hear a short pop or a silent crack somewhere beside you. Often a shelling it doesn't last any longer than two minutes. So I force myself to start counting the moment it begins. Because as long as I am counting, nothing will happen to me.

twenty-one--twenty-two--twenty-three-

[cut]

BORIS: Yesterday, on my way into town, the train suddenly stopped. In the middle of an open field. No shelter. Nobody knew what was going on. So I was looking all around and then this guy said. 'Sit down idiot! Don't make such a fuss! What are you doing'. And... you know... we were standing still for at least a 180 seconds at the time. So, well I went out into the balcony. And at '310' the train started moving again.

PSYCHATRIST: Was this what you dreamt about last night?

BORIS: No, I don't think so. I didn't feel too well. So I thought, you know I'd had a drink, it might calm me down a bit. We bought beer from the money we made from the Cola bottles, but after two beers I felt sick again.

You mustn't think I'm only pitiful.

[cut]

BORIS: The girls alongside the road they really liked to see us coming. They preferred to do it with us rather than with the federal soldiers. And not without reason. See, my brother he knew all the sweetest girls along the transit route. Princesses of War we used to call them. We always hoped they'd be there when we were out and about. Usually we didn't have money with us or not a lot, but for us they were prepared to do it for candy or cigarettes or both. For that we got everything! Then they laid themselves out on the bonnet of the car with the engine still running, so at least they'd get a warm bum! That was delicious, those warm buttocks of a war princess!

[cut]

PSYCHATRIST: But Boris, who were you with then? You were with your brother , but with who else?

PSYCHATRIST: Boris, I understand very well that there are things you don't want to talk about. You've been very brave, but it's...

BORIS: Oh the BRAVE SOLDIER! That's precisely what we need, that is exactly what we've been waiting for! Good God almighty, you filthy bastard! My brother he was brave and courageous and now he is dead. And now I am next probably. That will be the solution to everything, then we'll all be finished!

I have killed people, you know, but I should have killed more. That would have been the best for this whole fucking situation.

Just a shot in the neck. I know precisely how it is done. You bow your head and ...bang! The vocal chords are smashed immediately, nobody can hear your dying scream. It's the ideal way to get rid of somebody.

PSYCHIATRIST: I'd like to know why you got so angry with me during our last session. Do you know why that was, can you remember?

BORIS: Angry? I wasn't angry at all. You're trying to help me, aren't you? Why would I be angry?

BORIS: ...God almighty, you filthy bastard! My brother he was brave and courageous and now he is DEAD. And now I am next probably. That will be the solution to everything, then we'll all be finished! I have killed people, you know, but I should have killed more. That would have been the best for this whole fucking situation. Just a shot in the neck. I know precisely how it is done. You bow your head and ...bang! The vocal chords are smashed immediately, nobody can hear your dying scream...

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: Boris, did this happen before. For example, that you are somewhere and that you have no idea how you got there.

[cut]

BORIS: Well, I... I remember like, last time I was sitting in the garden. And then I couldn't really remember how long I had been sitting there. Or even how I got there.

PSYCHIATRIST: I see. This often happens to people who are traumatised. It's a kind of self protection, a defence mechanism, particularly when you have experienced threatening events, but it can go on long afterwards.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: Because you don't know what it was anymore, because you can't talk about it, I think it was something very important.

BORIS: But how can I know something that I don't know about anymore? That is imposssible!

PSYCHIATRIST: No it isn't. You'll remember.

PSYCHIATRIST: Can you tell me more about it, about his death, how it happened?

BORIS: My brother became eighteen. It was at the time , when they were recruiting more and more young boys. I tried to keep him from joining. I wanted him to take over my job, but I didn't succeed. I worked for the Ministry for Crisis Affairs, I was driving around a lorry, distributing food and, That was safe! But my brother... he should never have come into the unit. He was a good soldier but, he was too good! He was always fanatical about everything, about sports and about school. He should have stayed out of it.

We had the same size in shoes, my brother and I did. So, after he died I put on his boots. Because I was wearing only sneakers and they were completely worn out. I could feel every stone in them. And that is not good. You have to look after your feet carefully.

[cut]

You can buy a grenade launcher for thousand US dollars on the black market, grenades for two dollars each. And a kalashnikov cost between five hundred and seven hundred dollars. A dead fighter costs a hundred dollars, at least, if the body is still intact and the head is still on it. Alive a hostage costs three hundred dollars. Often more, it depends on who it is.

PSYCHIATRIST: Boris, calm down. Are you sure you can tell this.

BORIS: Yes, I want to tell it! You couldn't tell anything from his face. His body wasn't too badly damaged. But I didn't have enough money, so I collected bodies in order to trade them for my brother's. The commandant made the contact. Ten militia members for one dead fighter, that was the deal. Eight were still lying between the trees in the mud and two of them I had to dig up, but I remembered where they were buried and that wasn't to long ago, so that was easy. And it went of very smoothly. The commandant also made some money out of the transaction.

[cut]

But there was no time, the offensive was going on. I had to hurry, so I buried him myself. So much has happened, since the last session. I haven't even talked to my parents yet. It's absurd, isn't it? I didn't have the time. I have given a letter to a wounded fighter. So, I hope that helps. That was the only thing that I could do. They have to know as soon as possible.

PSYCHIATRIST: Boris, you're here now, in the clinic. Boris, do you understand what I say?

BORIS: Yes... Yes, I've been here before.

BORIS: The best time to attack is early in the morning. Between five and six, just before dawn. That's the time when it's the most difficult to be clear instantly. Someone who wakes up abruptly is really confused for a moment. That's the very time you have to get them. The fight itself takes no more than, well at the most, three minutes. It's soon over. No more than a count of a 180 seconds to the last bullet.

...twenty-four, ...twenty-five, ...twenty-six...

PSYCHIATRIST: Good, try to tell slowly about what is happening. Where are you? What do you see...?

BORIS: Thirty-one...
We don't know exactly where the enemy is. Someone goes ahead as a scout. We lie flat on our stomachs, spread under the trees. The earth is wet and my thighs are getting soaked. I make eye contact with my brother who's lying to my right. He's lying so close that I can hear him breathing. I can smell his sweat. We're lying in a row. And it's too dark to make contact to whoever is to my left. I just wait.

...Forty.

And then, bang! It hits me in the eyes. It is a sharp flash that doesn't go away. The scout obviously, has fired off the flare over the enemy's position. My brother, he jumps up, I follow him. My legs are stiff with cold. We come out of the dark, they can't see us. I only hear twigs snapping and someone sniffing. No one shoots.

Seventy-eight...

Now I can see where the flare comes from. So I run forward and there's an open space. It's lighter t here too, there are bodies lying everywhere, in the mud. My brother is standing behind the position. He motions with his arm to where I have to go to. I try to climb over the position. He's already going. I have to cover him. So I just shoot twice just like that. My hands are ice cold and they are trembling. Something near is moving. I take my riffle and slam it in front, I thrust it in someone's neck. The man, he makes a gurgling sound. We look at each other. He's in pain. His throat is rattling. I have to shoot, but I wait. He keeps on looking at me and with his hands he thumbles around on the ground. But he doesn't find a weapon. And I keep on waiting. He gives a loud cough and he crawls backwards. When the distance is almost two metres, I shoot him through the head. For a moment I feel the blood. Tiny warm prickles on my skin.

Ninety-four...

My brother has already reached the next position. I try to catch up with him, because I have to cover him. I run holding my riffle high, but I'm too far away to aim properly. I meanwhile avoiding the mortar holes in the ground. And then it happens. I'm too late. He bends over double. He snaps in the middle. He tries to turn his head to see where I was. He slumps forwards. His face slides into the mud. He is on his knees. I know it at once. When I get to him he's already dead.

Hundred and fourteen...

Well, later the commander said we'd won. We all had to run to get to the bus in time.

BORIS: After my brother's death the commander wanted to know where I'd been. I had to bury my brother! But it was all about this being the decisive offensive. My brother hadn't died for nothing. I couldn't stop at that moment. But why? I didn't want this. We shouldn't even have been there in the first place. Look for another soldier. I'm going to sleep. For ever.

PSYCHIATRIST: And what did you do? Did you leave?

BORIS: Leave?

PSYCHIATRIST: Yes, did you go home, or was this the time that you fled to the encampment?

BORIS: Do you think we could do, that I could do that, just like that? Do you know what we did with deserters? The only thing that I could to say about it, is that the commander knew how to handle it.

[cut]

BORIS: It's terrible what happened to him. I should have helped him, but, well yes, it couldn't be any different, not at that moment.

PSYCHIATRIST: What was going on, Boris? Who should you have helped? Your brother?

BORIS: No, 'Einstein' of course. He didn't want to go on any more, he damn well wasn't going on to keep on fighting!

PSYCHIATRIST: 'Einstein'? Who is that?

BORIS: It was too dangerous to interfere. I think it''s better to not talk about it any more. I mean, it was wartime, things happened. You mustn't forget that. You must understand.

[cut]

BORIS: Do you know what would help? At this moment... No, you have no clue have you? A big disappearance act. That would have been the ideal solution. But now it is a bit too late. 'Einstein' could certainly have used it. Being invisible. You need to have a special talent for it. Very few people have that talent. Even in the pitch dark they could always spot him. It was amazing how he could never seem to escape the eyes of the commander. He always knew where to find him.

BORIS: We were fed up with him. He couldn't be trusted any more. So, we blindfolded him and put him in front of a firing squad. He ought to be dead. He didn't belong here any more. But then the commander said that he could still be useful. So we shouldn't shoot to kill him, and that was meant to be as a kind of a first punishment, he said. So we shot without hitting him. A mock execution, just for fun. Then we beat and kicked him.

[cut]

BORIS: 'Einstein' had to stand on one leg blindfolded. The other leg was tight to his hands behind his back. He was completely naked. He hadn't drunk anything in two days. Using a bottle we offer him a drink, but we pull away the bottle each time he tries to have a drink. He falls down. His nose is bleeding, his face is bleeding, he can't move his jaw. It doesn't last long, we get tired of it. And then he doesn't try to drink from the bottle any more.

The commander can go first. He's drunk and excited. Horny. He curses, it doesn't go to fast. 'Einstein' is pushed onto the table and we hold him down, while the commander rapes him. It hurts, he's bleeding. That makes it easier though. The pressure makes him feel like he wants to piss. A burning feeling, but he can't piss. He hasn't drunk for so long...

PSYCHIATRIST: Boris. Where are you now?

BORIS: I see him lying there, with his knees pulled up. He rolls a bit to and fro to rock away the pain.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: What happened to 'Einstein'?

BORIS: Well, I went looking for him. I wanted to know how he was. I knew where he was imprisoned.

PSYCHIATRIST: Lets just begin with a description of the room. What kind of a space was it?

BORIS: There are steps down, with no handrail. And it is dark. The first thing you see are a couple of windows, right under the ceiling. They're dirty but they let in some light. It seems to be a kind of a storeroom, a cellar. Under the steps, at the bottom of the steps, there is a big puddle of water. It is a large space. There are pipes running along the walls. The ceiling is low, with the tips of my fingers I can almost touch it. And there is a corridor to a smaller space.

[cut]

BORIS: It can't have been long. I went there to look for 'Einstein'. I was worried, I wanted to know how he was doing. I had to find him!

It's so annoying, because I don't know whether I just remember it well or whether it was a nightmare. But I have to know where he is. It still feels like that. It's driving me mad that I don't know myself how it went.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: Do you hear anything, is it cold, what do you smell?

BORIS: I can hear noises. From another room perhaps. Someone screaming. One long shriek that stops abruptly. And that keeps going on. Always the same shriek, then it stops abruptly. I feel with my hands along the wall and I walk carefully on, step by step. Then I tread on someone's legs. There are people that I can't see. I feel that they're there, but they remain invisible. I'm standing now pressed against the wall with my arms spread out. I call out his name. But there is no answer. Very slowly I try to shift along sideways. I almost stumble.

PSYCHIATRIST: Boris. Let's stop here. Who are the other people that are closed in?

BORIS: I don't know them. Nobody says anything.

PSYCHIATRIST: Okay, then we'll continue. You're standing against the wall. You're calling 'Einstein'. No one answer. Then what happens?

BORIS: The door slammed shut. Someone had locked me in. I was frightened that they'd forget about me. So I stood there shouting and calling. Luckily somebody came to get me, so...

PSYCHIATRIST: Who was that?

BORIS: Oh, well just someone. Someone from the unit, I think.

PSYCHIATRIST: Do you think you were locked in by accident?

BORIS: I don't know.

BORIS: I just don't know why I dream about it. It is, well it is strange and it frightens me. I just don't understand it! Why does this suddenly happen?

PSYCHIATRIST: Is there any event from the past that could have something to do with it?

BORIS: But I don't know what it's all about. Look I have never dreamt this before. It makes me frightened, when I wake up I can't move. Sometimes I have to go to the lavatory, and even that doesn't work. I can't seem to get up. I just do not want this any more, it goes on and on and I don't want it. I want it to stop!

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: Can you describe your dream? I'd like to hear it.

BORIS: I'm lying on a hard stone floor. It's cold. I'm naked. Through the floor I feel something scratching my back. My skin. It is being carved into, with something sharp and it hurts. And then, then I want to go, but I can't. I can't get up.
Then the commander leans over me. I recognise him. Carefully he feels my forehead. Then he disappears. I want to get up, but my body it is completely rigid. I have to stay lying. And then I feel blood. It is gurgling up under me. It flows from under me. I lay there motionless. For a minute it is warm. I'm lying in a pool of blood! Slowly I sink. I sink further away, through the floor, deeper and deeper.

Well that is the dream.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: Is there apart from the commander a place or something else that you recognise in this dream?

BORIS: I was in that place.
I was there in that cellar.

PSYCHIATRIST: First tell me where you want to begin.

BORIS: In the cellar. Someone was lying beside me, near the steps. I can remember that. It wasn't just one moment. It was for a long time, that he was lying there.

PSYCHIATRIST: Stop for a moment. I'd like you to use only the present tense. How long are you allready in that cellar and who with?

BORIS: It feels as if I've been there for a long time. Not a couple of days, but perhaps for weeks. I don't know the others. They're there, but I don't know precisely how many there are. There are no more than ten. I think they're prisoners.

PSYCHIATRIST: What are you doing there?

BORIS: I don't know. I don't know them. No one says anything.

PSYCHIATRIST: Try with words to paint a picture of the place that you're in.

BORIS: I see myself lying down. Near the steps. And it is as if I'm floating very high, higher than the ceiling. I can see the whole place. It is dark, but I can see myself. I'm lying on the ground in a fetal position and my knees are pulled up. The others are lying as far away from the steps as possible. Beside me someone has been thrown down the steps.

He's been lying there for a long time. He is dead. I know that for sure. You can smell it. First I heard him gurgle a bit, but now nothing. He's lying right beside me.

PSYCHIATRIST: How do you feel.

BORIS: Well I can't breathe. My teeth hurt. I can't keep my hands still.

Something's happened.

[cut]

PSYCHIATRIST: What happens then?

BORIS: They're coming into the cellar. They try to find someone in the dark. That doesn't work at once. They shout. 'Where is 'Einstein'?' they say. And I also hear my name: 'Boris, where are you?' They hit us. I try to make myself invisible. And then I get dragged along. The light is bright and it stings my eyes. They let me fall, there's glass everywhere. I can smell a fire. I'm lying beside an oil drum. There's a bang, a log of wood probably has been thrown into the drum. Sparks fall on the floor. And then they start kicking me.

'Hey, traitor! Fucking bastard! Did you think we'd forgotten you? Filthy faggot. You fucking let your brother die like a dog, coward! But we'll make sure that you will never forget that, that the whole world knows 'Einstein' murdered his own brother!

PSYCHIATRIST: Boris, you're 'Einstein'.

BORIS: I know.
I have to stand on one leg. The other leg is tied to my back to my hands. And I fall on my face. My jaw hurts, I can't get my mouth open any more. The commander he can go first, it doesn't work so well. It bleeds, then it goes better, luckily. Only a burning feeling as if I have to piss.

PSYCHIATRIST: Try to go on.

BORIS: They're shouting, singing. 'Einstein, Einstein, come on, come on, we've been waiting all the time.' They've thought up something new. I can't see what it is.
The pain is terrible. With a red hot knife they burn something into my back. They're holding my arms down. I hear it sizzling. With long strokes an 'M' is being written. I hear them yell. It is the first letter of my brother's name.
He was called Michael.